Does 'love' has anything to do with marriage and its longevity???

Surprisingly, no.

We Indians are the perfect living example of this quest.

We are making a mockery of this so called 'love' with our arranged marriages when the rest of the world is turbulent with their love marriages and its short life.

But..the credit should go to our forefathers' brilliance in drawing the clauses in such a way to make our marriages a 'forever' one.

Even in this modern day and age..we still arrange marriages and it still withstand the whither and tither to last through a whole life time!

when the rest of the world is suffering from broken homes, children out of wedlocks, and many number of single parents, we are safely cocooned in our love-less nests!

Does it mean that love is not essential to make a marriage work?

Obviously!

But..if westerners try to copy this method..it'll definitely backfire!

Howcome a successful strategy for indians will bring failure to westerners?

Because..Our culture, our long standing traditions, our male chauvanistic society and Religion ..all have a major role in making our arranged marriages into a roaring success!

Our culture frown upon male-female friendship. It doesnt allow interactions between male and female. Even an innocent friendship attracts criticism. In this way..it successfully eliminates the danger of infatuation, lust and love. Let's be honest..even today..with all their economic independence and education, womem still hesitate to befriend a male! Initiating a spontaneous 'hi' is still a hardtask for them. After getting over this cultural hangover, most ppl find it easy to mingle with the opposite sex.

Naturally..Cupid's arrow hit some of them. but when it comes to marriage..again culture raises it's ugly head and stops them from pursuing their love. Religion, caste, economic status, educational status, family status, societal pressure and Dowry.. almost all the above become the reason for their cowardliness.

In India..marriage is not just between 2 people..a willing male and female. It's between 2 families. 2 families mean ..the entire clan!:)

These entire cultural concepts have been drummed into their heads from childhood.

What are the qualifications expected from women to become a bride?

Women are to be submissive..in sugar coated words..she is to be more understanding of anything and everything..in other words, no self respect, no ego and no pride!! Women should fall in love at first sight of their in-laws,..i.e..mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law, brother inlaw, aunt-in-law, uncle-in-law,grandma-in-law, grandpa-in-law..and dont forget  the distant ones..phewww..again the entire clan! Women should take care of their in-laws till their last breath where as men need not! Virginity is a must for women. Having  a past life is still an unpardonable sin even though their viginity is intact! They need to be moderately intelligent.but SHOULD NOT be overly brilliant!

They should have fairly good educational qualifications. But it need not [ should not?] be higher than their men. They should belong to the same religion, same caste,same sub sect..! They should be pious. Our culture abhors atheism in women.

Dowry tops the qualifications list. Their Dowry need to be considerably more than the groom's worth!

What self-respecting women would go through the humiliation of giving dowry to get her a husband? Western women would think like that.  But indian girls from their childhood are trained to see this as a respectufl, sometimes even a  proud gesture, a certain show-off to gain  her rightful place in this society.

Goodlooks and fair skin are a must. But if the dowry is good, goodlooks can take a back seat.

Child bearing is a must and not at all optional. brood mares? Noooo..call them godly mothers!

Our culture makes motherhood into some divine quality. It's not just a biological phenomenon.

On the whole..Our culture makes women wear this religious cloak, have them follow the rigid rules [ for their own good..ofcourse!] and CLEVERLY put them on a pedestal !

Women are godly creatures. They should be treated with all the respect known to mankind! By giving them the 'Godess' status, it cleverly keeps them tied !

Let's see the expected qualifications of propspective groom..

Men also not spared..but their rules are more lenient.

From childhood, Indian boys start believing in their supeiority to women. Maybe it's not a very conscious effort ...but just  by observing the way their parents act, culture, traditions, our so called epics and society, this thought gets engraved on their minds.


Men are to be dominating..[in subtle tones..masterful!]. Men are allowed certain vices and even the 'not allowed sins' they commit  are to be forgiven by their womenfolk. 'forgive and forget' is the mantra. [but it applies only to women!]

Taking care of one's family is men's job. both financially and socially. He should always be the master of the house. He cant afford to lose his job, even if his wife is an earning member. It earns him a disgusting 'sissy' tag! Having a string of degrees and a hefty pay cheque gets him a millionaire bride.  But whatsoever...it's his earning capacity which decides his price ! Virginity is not a must! Having a past  with one or 2 objectionable records  is alright as long as his present life is on the 'ok' side.

For men also..marriage comes with 'forever' tag.

There are many a practical problems in marrying a complete stranger.

What if men find their wife to be dumb, what if this wife gets fat and ugly, what if the wife is not cooperative in bed, what if there is a total incompatibility on bothe sides?

No matter what...Men are stuck with them! The reasons may be wifey' wealth, children or the familial honour or parents' pressure.

This safe gurards the longevity of marriage..but indirectly paves way for extra marital affairs. But as long as it' doesnt affect the sanctity [!] of marriage society turns a blind eye.

Regarding extra marital affairs..what about women? Do they have the same freedom to have affairs?

No!

But they are also human..made of flesh and blood..

What if they find their husbands a dumb, boring ones..in and out of bed?

What if the husband gets hit by impotency ..say..after a couple of kids? After all..impotency is the biggest problem with today's men!

What if the husband turns abusive..physically and mentally?

How many couples are truly happy in their marriage?

How many couples are truly in love with each other?

It's the social compulsions that keeps them together .

Even in this century, our so called well educated, economically independent women and men still opt for arranged marriages. Hassle-free, wallet-safe, heart-safe, easy-way-out!  It may continue to do so..until society and culture 's stranglehold slacken !

It's no use in sugar coating it with 'love after marriage'. Love is not something we can manipulate according to our whims and fancies!!


Our arranged marriages are a cold-blooded, well-drawn out business contract with tightened clauses and no options.

No wonder it boasts a roaring success.

After all..any good business strategy should attain success..

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written by Pavalamani Pragasam, December 28, 2009

Wow! Wow! What clairvoyance! Congrats, umbrella! But why this tinge/undercurrent of cynicism/sarcasm? Is it better to be a practical person than being a clown chasing a mirage called 'love'? In the end is the net result of arranged marriage- an absolute business contract, I agree- a satisfactory, sensible one for the couple? Why pine for illusory dreams, delusive nothings? Enjoy life intelligently, meaningfully, creatively without unnecessary, exaggerated, fanciful ideas which are bound to end in confirmed disillusionment?
The surprising change in the trend, I'm observing, is increasing intercaste, 'love' marriages in my immediate circle! More leniency in parents or just their helplessness/powerlessness? Or more confidence in the discretion of their offspring, more liberal thinking? Whatever it is the times are changing!
Strange, curious and unbelievable is the news I recently heard about the 'love' marriage of a distant nephew of mine. He is a widower with a 10-year-old daughter. She is a divorcee with a son. He had been diagnosed with brain tumour, a kind that responds to treatment and not an immediately-life-threatening one. She, his office colleague- both are brilliant academics in high post- has stood by him throughout his treatment and wants to continue to support him till the end with legal sanction. The family's blessings are with them, of course. A story fit for the silver screen but unbelievable and awe-inspiring in real life.

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written by umbrella, December 28, 2009

@ PP

Yes. i'm being sarcastic. Even cynical. because..To attain the goal 'lasting marriage', the ways and means we adopt is all WRONG. We are breeding casteism in the name of arranged marriages. we are encouraging dowry system. with the changing times and better education, children are taught to have self respect and pride. but when it comes to marriage, parents expect them to forget their self respect and pride!!! These marriages breed intolerance and untouchability. Inter caste marriages still end in honour killings! u know this very well..cz u hail from the place where this is very much a reality still! Above all this ills, the most important one is people having such hatred against love marriages. why? Love is such a big crime? Arranging marriages is ok if the said boy/girl has not fallen in love. But with huge dowry and all..this system only encourages greed.

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written by Pavalamani Pragasam, December 28, 2009

Sigh! We do have so many utopian dreams! Perhaps after a couple of generations these necessary evils of today may not be necessary at all! Hope springs eternal in human breast, doesn't it?

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written by Santosh, December 30, 2009

The great Indian culture that has been thoughtfully put in place by our well meaning forefathers views marriage as an institution that aids in the building a utopian society. It is a commitment by the man to abstain from food unless his wife and the prospective kids are fed, to desist from dressing unless they are clothed and to remain ever vigilant for their protection. This is in the presence of his clan to whom he is accountable to. It is also when the woman vows to take utmost care of her mate and his household selflessly and unconditionally. The ceremony is just to provide the ambience and is hence symbolic.
Culturally we Indians are inclined to believe that life is lived in complete bliss and centered around self only upto our teens and towards the sunset of life. In the midst of the two phases we all live selflessly either for our offspring, the elders and society in general. Our values restrain us from acting in a manner that would adversely impact the lives of our children and our dependents. The vows of marriage are sacrosanct and cannot be reneged for trivial reasons like conjugal discontent and issues of compatibility for it could upset the institution of the family in particular and society in general. In the rigmarole of life one needs to seek and find happiness. Our forefathers did find happiness and peace and many lived a healthy and contented life.
With the change in economics the nuclear family system came into being. The onus on growth, material comforts and jet set life style. Values got diluted and isolated. The generation started looking for selfish pleasures at the altar of domesticity. Momentary pleasure could be bought but not a lifelong of bliss. The institution of marriage is slowly crumbling down and the rate of suicides is alarming!!
Umbs, while I fully subscribe to your thoughtfully written lines I strongly feel that that the pleasures of life, love and happiness are byproducts that come your way commensurate to the purity of your living. These cannot be demanded or bought. True love comes at life’s end free and unconditionally when you need it the most but expect the least.

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written by Pavalamani Pragasam, December 30, 2009

Let me repeat: 'Wow! What a clairvoyance', Santhosh!

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written by umbrella, December 31, 2009

@ Santosh

I wholeheartedly agree with ur statement "pleasures of life, love and happiness are byproducts that come your way commensurate to the purity of your living. These cannot be demanded or bought. True love comes at life’s end free and unconditionally when you need it the most but expect the least". How true! But..with changing times and globalization, our ongoing system is a bit too coldblooded for comfort...[especially Tamil nadu [including Chennai] which is still very traditional .

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written by Administrator, December 31, 2009

Due to decreasing sex ration a reverse trend is observed in some parts of Northern India where the groom pays to get a bride.

Hope this will be an eye opener for the society.

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written by Abhishek Chakrabarti, January 01, 2010

First of all, Umbrella, let me congratulate you for the wonderful sarcastic tone you've written this with- kudos, dude!
It's true that arranged marriages tend to last longer than so-called 'love' marriages do.
I think that the reason for that is this: in a 'love' marriage, the couple tend to have this idealised picture of his/her prospective spouse- which is often not exactly accurate. After marriage, when the real person becomes known (and I'm not saying that the 'real person is abusive or anything- merely different from what he/she seemed to be at first); there's disillusionment on both sides; and a tendency of 'We started this, so let's end this'.
In arranged marriages, however, both parties enter into it with a spirit of compromise- they really don't know what to expect from their spouse. So there's usually no scope of disillusionment.
For me, the most acceptable would be a hybrid of arranged and love marriages- a trend that's becoming more and more common.
The rishta comes in from an external party; parents, relatives, whatever- but the prospective couple take a few weeks at least to get to know each other better so they don't have to marry a complete stranger.

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written by prabol, January 07, 2010

They say a society is only as developed as how developed its women are. We know that women and men are not equal in our society but over the years, the gap has definitely been narrowed.

As we progress in the quest of economic prosperity, our society will self-learn that the role of women needs to be on the equal footing with men.

I also think that human beings are generally good people. Therefore, when people go through arrange marriages, they learn to love each other which may not be all that bad. However, arrange marriage, when turns bad can really spoil the lives of everybody involved. Therefore there really is no formula of what works hence each individual should be given a free will (without any social pressure) to determine how they want to live their lives.

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written by umbrella, January 24, 2010

@prabol

Well said. u say."each individual should be given a free will to determine how they want to live their lives"...Sadly, it still remains a very distant dream for us Indians.

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